Ryan LePage Health Ms. Mayonnaise So scabies, eh? Scabies is a very bad disease. Scabies is an infection of the skin. Scabies rhymes with rabies, killer bees, and babies. That’s how scabies infects people. People think that since babies and scabies rhyme, they must be ok to play with. And cuddle with. And breast-feed. And raise as a son. And force to play violin even though they just want to play with the other kids outside, Ma. Why can’t I play with the other kids? So scabies makes you itch a frig of a lot. And you can’t stop itching because it feels so damn good. Kinda like cocaine, right? When you scratch your scabies, cocaine comes out. No word of lie. Scabies comes from the country Scabiedinavia. Scabies is a very bad disease. Scabies comes from everyone, even Tony Danza. “Hey listen, I might be the boss or I might not be the boss. But God help me with these microscopic bugs that cause pimple-like irritations, burrows, or rashes on my Italian skin.” Tony Danza So that goes to show you that even stars of unpopular sitcoms can be infected with this disease. Scabies is a very bad disease. It’s so bad, that Alfred Hitchcock wrote a movie about it called “The Birds”. It’s about these birds that fly around this city and kill people. Scabies is a very bad disease that causes people to itch all over. Especially at night. When it’s dark and nobody can hear you scream. Wait. That’s space. No one can hear you scream in space. But you can still get scabies in space. “I may have stepped on the moon, but I can still get scabies just as easily as the next guy.” Neil Friggen Armstrong Scabies in space is not as far-fetched as you may think. Scabies is a very bad disease. Scabies is caused by people touching other people. Like during sex. Unless it’s robot sex. Robots have sex by sending brainwaves to other robots. You can’t get scabies from robots. Scabies afflicts everyone except for robots. I’m pretty sure that scabies could get to the Terminator though. Since he’s kinda like a human, cuz he has skin and all. But Rosie, the robot from the Jetsons, couldn’t get scabies. Scabies is a very bad disease. Scabies are seen on the elderly. See the elderly scabies. See them run. See them frolic. Running and frolicking because they can’t stop the burning itch on their wrinkled bodies. Scabies is a very bad disease. You can get scabies from sharing blankets with people. Especially those Mexican guys that try to sell you the blankets off their backs. But you don’t want to buy the blanket, because it’s the only thing they’re wearing. So instead of buying that blanket, you smile and politely ask him where the fiesta is. “You bitch tourist” he thinks. “I’ll get this bitch with my scabies!” And then he gives you a hug, and you think it’s a sign of his hospitality. But it’s really not. It’s scabies, baby. Scabies can be found in places where there is frequent skin-to-skin contact between people. Such as, hospitals, institutions, pirate ships, child-care facilities, and nursing homes. Scabies is a very bad disease. FIN